Changes are the hardest,
Time is but a race.
Both did frighten me
When I witnessed such a case.
Fear. Fear of change. Fear of time that keeps racing. Fear of what we truly want. Fear of who we are. Why so? Simply because life is supposed to remain forever sequential, just like a set of dominoes stumbling over each other in a rush towards a certain end, with no checkpoints, no turning back. Oddly enough, that doesn’t seem nearly as frightening as following your ambitions, or even having any.
When we make a wrong turn, we tend to adapt to the path we’ve chosen because it makes us feel safe. When the “domino effect” begins, it stays on a roll, which makes it harder and harder to deviate as time passes by. What if one wanted to change the course of his life? Would he have the guts to do so with all the conformism and social pressure around? Standing out is not always a good thing. For someone like me, it is literally terrifying.
For years, I counted years. Time has been my biggest priority, and change my biggest fear before and during my first years at USJ. Some of us weren’t among the lucky few who were granted the gift of an early self-discovery, those whose schedule was always on time. As for others, through the mystical fogs of confusion lied a time-lag. However, I managed to ask myself the following question: is there really a so-called “schedule”? And why should it always be on time? Why should the toppling dominoes be condemned to an unwanted pattern? Why do we even describe life with this awful metaphor?
Maybe it’s when I finally had the courage to listen to myself, after 3 long years of pharmacy studies and with the help of great support, and time, that I managed to pass the medicine admission test. I abandoned 3 years of my life and then turned it around: my 2 biggest fears wrapped up in one story. Am I terrified? There is no doubt. Is it a hard decision? For me, most definitely. Is it really a waste? Only in calculations. Am I crazy? Debatable matter. Will I succeed later on? Will I live a good life? Will it be hard for me to adapt? Will I meet the one? Will I end up raising my gran-cats in the backyard? I don’t really know.
But for now, am I happy and determined? I am.
Romy Rahhal, FM.