Noises. Violent shouts that bruise me from the inside. Voices in my head that won’t shut up.
I’m afraid I’m going crazy. How do you stop the voices in your head from driving you over the edge of sanity? How do you stop it when the off-switch broke down a long time ago?
You go forward. You keep on going no matter how hard it is. You go on wishing for the best but expecting the worst. You go on wearing no armor, no weapons. With nothing but masks.
I woke up every day, fighting a new battle of a never-ending-war. A war where I am my own enemy and my own hero. A war where, win or lose, you are rewarded by death. And isn’t death the prize for having endured life?
Every breath I let out takes me slowly to the end. And with every breath I take, my life is ending.
So you go on. But what happens when you’re breathless? When you hit a wall so strong that no matter what you do it won’t break?
You break down and you lose it. You flip the switch that was keeping you going on, the switch that was keeping you human. In other words, you turn off your humanity as you slip past the point of no return.
Here I am, past that point, in an orange overall, chained to a chair, waiting for the end. Waiting for the poison to get in. Waiting for the agony that will never come. Waiting for a pain that I deserve, a pain that will punish me for all that I did. For all my mistakes. For all my crimes.
How come my life is ending that way? And why is it ending so fast? In a blink of an eye I’ll be dead. I’ll just be a nameless man, a number in the criminal records. I’ll become nothing. Nothing more than the memory of a man hated by all and loved by none.
And what’s after the end? Heaven? Hell? The Void?
If what they say about heaven and hell is true, you’ll definitely find me in hell. But how can it be real? The only hell I know is the one I’m living in right now. There is no other hell. At least not to me.
If I were to choose between heaven, hell and the void, I guess I’d choose the void. Actually it’s a pretty easy choice. When there is nothing and no one close enough to hurt you, no one close enough for you to hurt, what could be better? No one to judge you, no one to break you, and no wars to fight. That’ll be my paradise. After losing hope of ever getting better, what could be wrong in hoping for a new beginning? A beginning far away from this masquerade we’re living in.
But it’s coming. The darkness is near. I can feel it coming to get me. A bit more pressure on the needle and it will swallow me. But they won’t let me go fast enough. They won’t let me rest easily.
I feel myself slipping away from consciousness. And the last thing I see is her face. A face I have not dared to think of for what feels like ages. A face that never left my mind. I see her clearly now. She’s reaching out to me. She wants me to join her. But I can’t move fast enough. I run and run as fast as I can but I can’t touch her.
She hasn’t changed at all. As if her beauty was frozen in time. The curves of her body, the traits of her face, the lightness of her hair, and most of all the brightness of her eyes. Oh those eyes, that held the whole universe inside of them. I could lose myself for hours just staring at them. I could see everything so clearly in her eyes. I could see the man I would have been, the man I was meant to be. She was my muse, my lover; she was my everything, my heaven. She could have been my savior but instead, she became my downfall, my sin.
She became my Lucifer.